I’m not sure if this is a sign of a mental disorder, or something a lot of people go through—or, as I suspect, something that’s rare but probably not a problem. I’ve primarily succumbed to this mostly while growing up and then only a handful of times in my adult life so far. It’s also hard to describe but I’ll try my best.
I’m as self-aware as I think mentally healthy people are for the majority of the time. There have been moments, however, where it feels like I’m going through a spell of “extreme” self-awareness. I’m not only aware of who and what I am but somehow more so. I said that it was hard to describe. These spells are brief, with a longer “coming down” feeling accompanied by a sense of confusion as to what just happened. During the spells I feel uncomfortable at the insight—not so much at what the knowledge about myself was but just knowing about myself caused discomfort.
That’s what I think bothered me, anyway. If I remember these spells clearly (which I think I do) I don’t gain any new knowledge. Could it be possible that I had but I had instantly forgotten it? Could it be possible that said knowledge isn’t possible under a normal state of mind? Or could I have had some feeling about what I was about to know, had the spell continued? Over the years I resolved to try to keep myself in that state for a longer period of time to see what would happen. However, in the occasions that it happened I couldn’t control it.
I have also tried replicating it to know avail. Usually the spells would start when I had some sort of insight about myself and how I think others perceive me. But the feeling wasn’t based on that, not completely. It’s as if the insight triggered something in my brain. Also, this has happened less as I grew older. There could be a variety of factors at play here, such as maybe I was just feeling something as a result of my mental development through adolescence, or certain health conditions as I got older resulted in diminishing the effect.
That doesn’t stop me from wanting to replicate the feeling in order to see what happens. I try to think of myself and how I relate to the world but I can’t force the feeling. It always came without intention. Otherwise, I would probably have felt something this far into writing this blog post. I hope that through bettering myself as a person and even meditation would work. So far I have yet to achieve what I want. I reap other benefits through such activities, which is my primary goal (or was, I’ve been rather lazy lately). But in the back of my mind I keep hoping that I would get another spell.
I haven’t been able to find much information on this condition. It doesn’t help when I have a hard time describing it. I have discovered that I’m not alone. But other people’s accounts are scant, as best. All I can find are online message boards dated years ago. Even if I chose to reach out to those people they probably wouldn’t get my information. I can only hope that maybe the right person will read this blog post and I will eventually get some answers as to what this may be. It could be the sign of something serious, or just a random, normal “glitch” in the human brain. I want it be something more, but as always I’m skeptical.