I think one of the reasons why I haven’t been so confrontational in this blog lately is that I haven’t been interacting with people as much in my daily life. I’m not getting angry over conversations I have had with people as much as when I worked at the convenience store. I still say I made the right decision leaving that job but it did give me a fair amount of material to work with. Since I left that place really the only time I ever got angry with anybody on a personal level was when I was driving or at work. I can only really gripe about those two things on my blog so many times.
I’ve started to notice lately that when I’m watching a movie, reading a book or listening to a podcast in which somebody needs to overcome somebody else as an obstacle I empathize with that person. I begin to imagine that I’m in a similar situation and that I need to tell somebody off or kick their ass. Sometimes in my fantasies I do but in every case I have to remind myself that I’m getting worked up over a daydream and I shouldn’t get so angry.
If it’s something that happens in the news that gets me angry in such a way I can almost justify my feelings in that I’m getting upset over wrongs in the world. Maybe, but I’m still usually getting upset over the daydream in which I play the central role of the one being wronged. Is that selfish? Is it even unusual? Or am I just being human?
I suppose that this all could be considered a good practice for a writer. In the chapter I’m working on in my new novel the main character, as a little boy, is about to overcome an abusive priest. If I work up my anger enough over the thought of it I might be able to write the scene in a better way than if I was passive about it. However, the book as a whole doesn’t have this kind of conflict at its center. I might want to think about writing a story afterwards in which an underdog type of character has to kick somebody’s ass, literally or not. I know that’s not new territory for storytelling but it’s something that I don’t normally do. It would be a good exercise, at least.
Then again, this could all come down to another problem that I mentioned before (sorry, I don’t know which blog post it was so this time I’m not linking back). I have a hard time feeling any emotion other than anger. I’m not particularly an angry person all the time—I feel anger when I would feel anger. I just don’t feel much of anything else. This could still have to do with my lack of interaction with others. Or I could be essentially emotionless and my blood pressure is too high—that does run in my family and I’m reaching the age at which I ought to be concerned about such things.
I don’t think I seek conflict. Even when I go out anywhere I don’t try to offend people. I didn’t when I worked at the convenience store, either, although when customers saw me all the time they would get “comfortable” with me. In other words, they felt like it was okay to comment on the inverted cross pendant I wore (which I haven’t actually worn much since, either) or the music I listened to. Thankfully I avoided going into politics with anybody. Maybe the trick is that I just need to get out of the apartment and walk around a crowded area for a while, and instead of dressing up like I usually do these days I should go back to wearing the cross and metal band t-shirts.
Then again, should I seek conflict? If my blood pressure is getting high then it might not be such a good idea. Would it be ideal, then, to avoid watching movies, reading books, listening to podcasts or just paying attention to the outside world at all? I might not be as well-balanced a person, then, but wouldn’t that be worth it to be at peace? The problem is that I don’t know if I would be. Sometimes these daydreams come to me without prompting.
Of course I’m probably over-thinking the whole issue for the sake of writing a blog post. But it’s definitely something I should think about. I’m leaning more towards the idea of using any anger I have towards something constructive rather than ignoring it or avoiding it all together. However, if my anger is caused by a physical defect, such as a chemical imbalance or high blood pressure then I might want to check that instead.