Starting to recover. I think.

I ranted last night about this personal financial crisis of mine. I didn’t realize that anger would carry over to this morning as well. I kept up my usual performance at work but I couldn’t interact with most of my co-workers as much as I usually do. I wasn’t just angry, either. At times I felt like my blood pressure was rising or I was going to have some sort of panic attack. Having no experience with either phenomena I don’t know what either would feel like. In the back of my mind I knew this and I knew that I wouldn’t really have to go to the hospital at any point during the day. Nonetheless I had a hard time letting go.

I figured that I wouldn’t be able to work on the novel today because I would be too angry to do so. What I didn’t know was that I would calm down over the course of the day—but I’m still burnt out from the anger so much that I probably still won’t accomplish anything. I’m going to meditate in a little while to see if that will help. I didn’t get much sleep last night so I don’t know how successful meditating would be. I’m afraid that I might fall asleep. Even if I have to cut it short I’m going to try writing a little bit afterwards. I don’t expect to accomplish much. But I can’t let something like this force me to get behind further than I already am with this project.

I set the wheels in motion to recover from my troubles as well. Tomorrow I get paid at work. The woman I spoke to at my local AAA office said I could pay for my renewal tomorrow without any problems. After that and grocery shopping I might be able to pay my father the eighty bucks I borrowed from him yesterday. It turns out the sixty I tried depositing in the bank still hasn’t actually gone through yet anyway. I’m borrowing money from somebody else to pay for a new bike battery. As that isn’t an essential expense I figured it would be more reasonable to borrow money for that and pay it back in increments. To top it all off I canceled my automatic payments to my landlord. She doesn’t mind that I pay in cash, which is good for me. I still don’t have to buy a new set of checks.

I really shouldn’t have let this get to me so much. I knew I would get myself out of this. I just don’t like the fact that somebody else whom I’ve entrusted my financial affairs regarding my largest monthly bill would screw me over like they did. Again, I probably agreed to it somewhere in the fine print. I don’t care. I’m not going to let myself go through that bullshit again.

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