If you watch “Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown” carefully you might think that Snoopy was using cocaine or some sort of methamphetamine. Seriously, watch the scenes where he and the kids are dancing in the theater and pay attention to the specific dance he’s doing. There’s no way that anybody, even a beagle, can move that quickly back and forth with that much rhythm without some sort of chemical enhancement. The dances the kids are doing are some sort of premonition of the club scene of the eighties so I wonder if they weren’t on anything as well. Just put on the video, mute the audio, and play some Kraftwerk or something from the No Wave scene to see what I mean.
Snoopy’s probably not the only one that’s on drugs during this festive season. When Garfield visits Jon’s family for Christmas one wonders if Jon didn’t grow up around a massive amounts of moonshine, causing him to get as depressed as he is. Who knows what pills he’s popping when nobody’s looking. I imagine that Garfield drinks heavily just to put up with Jon’s shit all of the time. All of that food must help keep him somewhat sober. Maybe Odie’s not really that fast. We’re just seeing him from Garfield’s drunken perspective. I don’t doubt that he’s taking something. It’s probably not the same thing that Snoopy’s got, though. Snoopy’s at least some sort of intellectual. Odie’s… not.
In “He-Man & She-Ra : A Christmas Special” Skeletor saves a puppy. Fuck him.
The Ghostbusters went back in time to save Christmas after unwittingly catching the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. They had to impersonate the ghosts themselves in order to keep Mitt Romney… sorry, Scrooge from ruining Christmas for everybody. We clearly see that Peter Venkmann doesn’t have the energy to keep up running around as much as he does, so I doubt that he’s on anything. The movie was full of characters smoking, drinking, and in Egon’s case, constantly eating junk food. They didn’t do that in the cartoon, of course, but why not? We see that people’s spirits carry on so what difference does it make if they die early? Whatever, they saved the day and everybody’s Christmas spirit. But that meant that it got across to that so-called bad guy Skeletor who saves the puppy. Fuck them, too.
Why am I trying to connect all of these Christmas cartoons to drugs? It all started with Snoopy. I was trying to emulate the dance he does in real life. The problem, I realized, was that I was not on drugs. Of course I would be able to emulate that dance perfectly if I had some speed or something. Once I started writing about it I realized that a lot of these Christmas specials are suspiciously trippy. I think Frosty the Snowman, for example, is on ecstasy. I realize the obvious assumption would be ice, but think about it. Every time Frosty goes clubbing he melts. Rudolph was probably taking something to deal with the low self-esteem brought about by his peers. In all cases, there’s Santa Claus. Could it possibly be that he’s so overweight because he’s always got the munchies? Could this be similar to Shaggy with Scooby-Doo, in that the reindeer only talk to Santa?
Actually, I have the feeling that Edward Snowden is Santa Claus but I’ll save that for another time. I’m not sure if I want to make that blog post or develop it more and try to make it a TED Talk.